They say home is where the heart is, so am I heartbroken?

July 25, 2013

I am sorry about not writing a last good-bye post before I left, I really should have. However, I was not really ready to say good-bye yet and I am not sure I am ready now either. Over the years I have heard many people tell me, seen a whole bunch of cute signs, and of course things all over facebook all about “Home is where the heart is.” Which I think is very true, do not get me wrong, but coming home to America was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Harder than jumping 10 meters off a diving board at the Campus Bad, Harder than the last exam of Pre-Calc, harder than the only AP test I have ever taken, harder than saying good-bye to my cat, harder than saying good-bye to Austin, harder than saying good-bye to every member of my family and stepping on the plan to leave America for 11 months. Though today I have seen two of my favorite people from Germany, both at the same time in the same place, I cannot say my heart will ever be whole again. My home, or so I think hopefully my host family agrees, is in two places now. I have my life here in America and I have my life in Germany, slowly I have seen I may be able to mend the two so they get along with each other. I no longer have one home, and I now have to very big sections of my life, it’s hard to make them all one but the people on top never got there without some struggle.

Before I get to what I did actually do my last few weeks in Germany, I will tell you a little bit about being home.

I am home, my parents are here, everybody is healthy and I made it through the year alive and so did everybody on my side, or my close family anyways. I am thankful for that.

I have learned a lot about myself this year, and slowly examples of these things are showing up again and again. Today is a prime example. I am currently baking muffins (that is actually why I am writing my blog post, time in between sets of muffins going in the oven) something I have never done super often, but here I am baking muffins. Before living with Loke, a 7/8 year old through out my time in Germany, I would force all of the people in my house watch me bake or cook and wait until the end so I could see my final product for myself. I would snap, through tempter tantrums, stop in the middle of baking if somebody ate a cookie, a brownie, a mint, or a cupcake before I was finished. Now cooking brownies I wish Loke or my little sister where here asking if they could have a taste of a warm muffin, or somebody purposely sticking there hands in the batter “on accident” if they liked how the batter taste. I am alone and finished cooking, about 56 muffins, and the presentation at the end means nothing.

 

so it is simple things like that that make me not sure about where I am in my life right now emotionally. However, I know where I am physically! London England! 😀 I will write a post about our first week here in England!

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